life

Athens 2022

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I chose to come to Athens after Ireland in very last minute. Probably less than a week before the trip end in Ireland. I was thinking to go to Japan, I’ve been to Japan every year around the same time. But I am glad I changed my mind and spent a month in Athens.

I needed to spend alone time, to digest what I learned and heal the wounds came up on surface in Ireland. Visiting powerful sacred spots everyday, being with someone who I admire, and a person who is sincere to be herself, and always open without lying to others or herself…. is hard!!! So much to learn, so many opportunities to know others, universe, love and myself.

I picked a lovely apt in Athens, closer to my favorite yoga studio, and easy access to Acropolis and beach. I'm so glad I chose this apartment. Home/shell is so important for me as a cancer/crab.

By the way, Athens has the best option for lovely, clean housing that I can afford. Way better than Bali or Mexico, which I consider 3rd world countries with options of 1st world needs. That is a huge reason I attract to this city as well.

And most reason I attracted to here is feeling home. I have friends, I know how to get around, love their foods and I could have a comfortable life style. And also still feeling of vacation, no obligations, a state of no responsibilities. It’s like a grandparents and grandkids relationship, just having sweetness, not much obligations. And still feeling deep connections and love.

I had a life drama last year in Athens. I thought I won’t be back here because it was painful. However, the painful memories did not affect my love for Greece. It might even made deeper, because l experienced real life in here and felt love and support from my friends. I love my dear friends here. Every year I get to know them better.

I mostly spent time in Athens just to live. Work on my healing, editing, taking care of my body, hanging out friends. Home/shell is so important for me as a cancer/crab! Walk around the acropolis and plaka. Few days at beach and a day trip to Corinth with Michiko was such a gifts.

I hope I can go back here again soon!

Memories of Athens, October 2022

Puerto Vallarta Mexico

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I have been in Puerto Vallarta for a while. I'm tired from the heat and humidity and I can't move much more than I wanted. Even though, I started understanding the character of this city in my own way. Sadly I don’t speak Spanish at all, so mostly only from travelers point of view…. I wish I can understand Spanish more!

Lots of people moving to PV past few years. I met quite lots of newbies from all of the world. All saying they sold everything they own in their country, and having total new start of their life in here. I think this city has the energy of welcoming those people. You can choose variations of lifestyle. From new condominium with doorman and swimming pool at rooftop to a shack in tropical jungle. And city has faces with somewhere in small town in Spain or some where in Europe, South East Asia, like Bali, and taste of SF. Lots of classic cars parked on cobblestone roads, and beautiful classical Spanish architectures.. And that’s only where I went past 3 weeks with my laziness… means there are lots more in this city!!

It’s kind of rainy season in here, so every evening thunderstorm happens, also fireworks! Many American and Canadian travelers and resident because it’s close by, but also I met people from Germany, Russia, Estonia, and England so far. I think here is very livable for many reasons. But hot!!!


The end of the year

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It’s the end of the year… I like this time of the year because it’s easy to feel renewal, rebirth and conclusion. It’s just a number and a day is just a day, but much easier than every other day because everyone feels that way. We collectively feel the change. 


It’s been a crazy past few years for most of people. Every year brings so many changes and leanings. When I look back at 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018… Every year feels like WOW to me. I did so much! But also I have my beliefs saying “Oh, I am stuck, not changing, not learning..” Self doubt still talks to me that way. But I can’t deny the reality. I have had lots of changes and experiences in each year. I think it’s time to accept the change for everyone. It’s the era to accept transformations. 


2021 was so much… so many experiences, learnings, connections and disconnects, lots decisions of changes. Happiness, anger, excitement, loneliness, feeling of love, disconnected to love, feeling creative, lack of motivations… Lots!! 


I could feel gratitude for all of them now. There were amazing experiences even if some of them are painful. Feeling lots of appreciation and gratitude for all the experiences, situations and help that I had. I can feel this way because I can be excited about the new year. Or vice versa. I could feel gratitude, so I can feel a bright future… To be able to visualize or feel happy about the future is wonderful. It feels like creating my own life.  And I said good job to myself, to be able to feel this way! I hope I can keep it in new year, every day.

師走

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ここ数年は　一年を振り返ると物凄いって毎年思う。たくさんの経験をして　常に変化があり　出会いがあり　別れがある。なーんにも変わってないな、と思う部分、スタックしてしまってる感覚があるのにもかかわらず　振り返れば　すご！っと思う毎年。もう何も変わってない、と悲観的になるのはやめよう、その思い込みには無理がある、と思わざる得ないというか　きっと誰もが変化を余儀なくされる時期なんだろうなって思う。もう同じではいられない、変化を受け入れ　対応していく時代になったんだろうな、と。


とか言って　私はちゃんと変化できているんだろうか？　自分はできてない、なんてのもチラホラ出ながら　こう年越しが近くなってきて　今はポジティブな気分、いい変化を近い未来に描けるワクワクした状態になりつつある。


今年もよくやった、と自分を褒めて　その経験、変化を助けてくれた人たち、状況に感謝できる。幸せだったことも辛かったことも　今はただ感謝できる。なんかよくわからない次の変化へ向けてへのワクワクがあるから　全て良かったなぁと。

一年の締めくくりって　別に普通の日でもあるんだけど　みんなが、集合的に切り替わろう、次へ進もう、みたいな意識が出てくるし　区切りをつけやすい。これが毎日できたら毎日スッキリ清々しく始められるんだろうなぁって思う。１日の感謝をその日にして　次の日は全く違う自分、違う１日で起きる。

そんなのを新年の抱負にしてみようかしら？とか妄想しながら　残り少ない2021年を締めくくろうとしている。2021年は（も）すごい年だった。。。（まだもうちょっとあるし！）

2022年、楽しみ!!

Greece 2020

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I wrote this diary about a year ago, and never posted. And I found it after I wrote other one recently, about my stay in Greece this year. Feel so different, the same place, same people, but my experience of Greece was totally different. Light and dark, pastel to black and white, beginning to end…   That much different. I thought it might be interesting to post these together.

I still in love with my experiences in Greece this summer. Why summer is always so miracle to me….   No, not always. I was even afraid summer a period of time. Because I had huge life changes few years in low in summer. But now I can see that was good change… or changes always good. I could move forward because of it.


I wasn’t expected this much. I extended twice, and stayed in Greece 3 months total(max that I can stay with visa free).  It felt so natural, I was living there. I met lots of great people, and made friends. I could be myself more than anywhere, I felt free. 


Freedom comes from oneself. I crave freedom, because I don’t have one in myself. Freedom is not how you live, it’s how you feel. 

I often upset/sad because of feeling of “no one understand me” I keep saying it, and still dealing with it. 

I probably not really listening my own voices… allow myself to be “me”. On going process. 


What was the part I could feel freedom to be myself in Greece? Mostly expressing to people. Greek people loves coffee chat, and deeper conversations. I think I should maybe admit in sometime that I might like debating… I thought I don’t, but good debate or discussion to share knowledge or beliefs and if we could respect each others differences even after little heat up is a gem. Because we fully understand what other people are passionate, or feeling of pain. And emotion is sort of the key to understand themselves and other too. Emotion is natural thing, but how to relate it will changes. 

Few my greek friends are pretty good about it, express their feelings and beliefs with observing point of view, and accept mine too. 

I was maybe just lucky. Lucky to meet those people. I always feel lots of healing and extremely happy if I could open up my heart to others. Doesn’t need to be debate way, I had the same/similar experience when I spent two weeks at Joya. Shared fun and my sort of weakness to other people. It’s weird to say weakness, because what I shared was my creation, and relation to it. But I felt so naked doing it. 


I can do that anywhere, regardless of situations, I can open my heart to others.  But not that easy. The beauty of Greece, people who enjoys conversations and life, foods, awesome wine and very special places that I visited helped me so much. It is rehabilitation until I get used to it, and be able to do anywhere, anytime with anyone. Be myself, and open to others.  

Second time in Greece

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I wrote it the last week of staying Greece. Few days after breakup. It was very painful time, not only from break up, we were dealing tragedy accident that happened to us. Reading it makes me emotional, but I am glad that I could know I am healing, step by step, but definitely healing. 

I am having miserable and lonely stay in Greece now. Probably my time in Greece was finished last year. Facing breaking up with my relationship, which is huge fear and pain for everyone I think. Why this happened to me again? Why I am doing it.. I feel I am a drama queen, or addiction to love. But what I wanted was always long lasting love, true love, the love to the end what ever it is. Not something just spark and finish. But it turned out like that again…   I still not regret at all, I still truly loved him. 


But I should admit that I had some doubt for this relationship since beginning. I can’t quite explain well where that came from. Maybe just fear, fear of breaking up, fear to feel love again. 

We had strong magnet, but I felt we might need to give up few things to make this relation going. Also between us, life won’t be so settled.   I understand that sometimes we have to give up somethings in order to keep the relationship.  We might be happy to give up and merged into other life line. Or maybe not so happy, but definitely worth it. It is part of relationship process I guess. And won’t feel settling down is fun thing too, always challenging to new thing, moving around.  I also was thinking settling down means different for each person.  

I just felt it won’t be easy, but I couldn’t stop fall in love to him. 


Many times I felt I know him from other form. He wasn’t him, but the same soul. I wanted to find out who he was or who I am seeing trough his eyes. This beautiful, sensitive, warm and nostalgic familiar energy. 

He found something in me also, but what we start showing to each other was big wounds. Our heart is open, and we see pain inside. We couldn’t hide the wounds, because we opened up completely to each others. I am not sure he did, but I did. I think he is a guy who can’t hide many things, but also hide pain in other way. I was hiding the pain and even forgot it. I don’t want big drama and other pain to find out my issues/pain anymore, but yes, that is only positive way to see from breakup I guess… I found it. 


“Loneliness” has so many element. As well as any other emotions. But getting simpler and pinpointing and acceptable?!?! because it’s not so mysterious anymore after pointing out where it came from. And giving huge hug to it. My friend advised me to detach from emotions, still feel it all, but not be inside of it. Inner child work is similar to it. We find reasons, and visualize it as own childhood, separate from my own self, and feel the emotions completely. 


We had a lots of fights. And when we fights we became the wounds. Wounds controlling us, and we were acting like little kids. I saw him as crying, or huge sadness but he is attacking me, and I am attacking him(*verbally). I start screaming and yelling, while feeling fear to him.  I could only see complete hate, feels hatred from his eyes at that time. Facing some one who I love is hating me.. it’s unbearable fear. 

We both became monsters, loosing ourself in anger, and also crying in heart with this pain, and what we are doing to our loved one. 


This kind of fights doesn’t go anywhere. Some fights make the bond between two. But we are not really fighting to others, we are fighting with past, or just the wounds are screaming. 



I was started searching where my wounds came from, or what is it exactly. I thought if one person is healed, then maybe the fight won’t be bad. But it wasn’t easy, I was finding lots of related wounds doing breakup. I couldn’t change it so quickly. He couldn’t take it anymore, he had too much pain, and he decided to end. I still dreamed about overcoming obstacles, and having life with him. But also accepting it was our fate. We don’t need to take the hard road. 


I am hoping, he received love from me, not only pain. I want to be better at loving others. 

Volgograd Russia trip-2

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By the way, her dad is a superman. He is gentleman, always opens door for women, carry heavy stuff for ladies and kids.  And super fit, He can run and climb up trees like a Ninja! He can move better than his grandkids. And he probably 60 something years old. Kati’s mom is wonderful chef and sort of Naturopathic doctor.(Although, she has lots of knowledge for medications)  Kati said no needed to go hospital because of her.  Such a wonderful pair, they completely loving each others, I could see it. And they are always there for others happiness.


カティアのお父さんはすごい。。。本気ですごい。60代半ばで　木登りして　坂を駆け上って　５階だったかの団地の階段を　私の重スーツケースを軽々と持って駆け上る（歩かない、しかも息切れしない）。木登りって言っても　なんて言うの？ジャンプして木の枝に捕まり　腕と腹筋で　クルンと鉄棒に登るみたいに上に上がる。私には全くできない、大抵の人には出来ないね。で　お母さんは　ズーーーっとキッチンにいる。料理が大好きで　自然療法的な癒し方、そして薬の知識が豊富で　カティアは病院に行くことはなかった、と言う。二人が本当に愛し合ってるのが見てわかり、サポートしあって　尊敬しあってる。そしていつもいつも周りが幸せであるためにそこにいる感じ。ユーモアもたっぷりで　いつも笑ってる。本当に素敵なカップルだなぁって思った。



They told me that everyone who lived, or lives in the apt was involved from scratch, means her dad and other guys built the buildings!  Everything, foods, Clothes, education and vacation were provided from government, so you don’t have “Comparison”. What was fascinated to me was what kath said.  “everyone has the same background”.  And that is really yes.  Everyone had the same education, similar, almost the same houses and furniture, eat the same, wear the same. but everyone has such a unique personality, such a variations of individuals. 



カティアやご両親やどんどん集まる友達が色々教えてくれたけど　共産主義時代、この団地は自分たちの手で全て作らなくてはいけなかったそう。住む場所は自分で作る！　

カティアが言っていた”みんなが同じバックグラウンドを持っていた”の意味が本当に理解できた。家を一緒に作り、服も家具も食料も支給され、同じ教育を受けた。”比較”がなかった。多分どうにか探して人は他人との比較をしたんではないか？？とか思うけど（見た目とか？）　その要素がなけりゃ難しいね　笑　

トルコの田舎の方で見た　男の子しか公園で遊ばない、と言うようなことはなく　男の子も女の子も一緒に　夜遅くまで外を駆けずり回っていたそうだ。

私がびっくりしたのは　そんな風に子供時代やら　大人になるまで同じバックグラウンドを持ちながら　ものすごいみんな個性が強いと言うこと　笑　





I met Kati’s husband, Russ’s dad as well. The picture below is one of his house, it’s call boat house. He made some money after communism collapse. He and Russ went world boat tour when in communist time. All vacation fee was paid by government. Everyone able to choose where they want to go, and government cover the costs. There were some restrictions but it sounds very freedom.



カティアの旦那さんのお父さんのお家にもお邪魔した。彼は共産主義崩壊後　ビジネスをし儲けた人。彼が一番個性が強かったかなぁ。下の写真は彼の家の一つで　ボートハウスといい　彼の自分のミュージアムがいくつか入ってる。そのミュージアムはメインで彼のミュージシャンとしての記録とかがあるけど　そこには息子（カティアの旦那さん）とボートで世界を回った時の記録もあったり。この旅行は共産主義時代にしたそうで　みんなが同じようにバケーションタイムやらそれに対する資金を配当されるんだけど　行く場所は自分たちで選べたので　こういう旅行にしたとか。なんか思ったより自由だな、と思った。




Vladimir, Russ’s dad was also very welcoming, showed me so many different side of Volgograd. He took us on horse back riding at the gipsy baron house. Crazy gorgeous house with farm, various animals.  Vladimir is famous in Volgograd, he showed us his photo on billboard. He has several museum in his boat house about his musician career.  The day with him was almost in a day dream, he took me to some unfamiliar world.  




彼もとても歓迎してくれて　彼の友達の家にいくつか連れてってくれて　ジプシー男爵の豪邸やら　そこで馬にも乗せてくれたし　美味しい野菜やら産みたて卵を　農家の家にもらいに行ったり　彼が乗ってるビルボードの前で写真撮ったり（笑）盛りだくさんだった。





My Volgograd experience was such a vivid, very new and some parts, felt nostalgic. To me It was very interesting to know those conditions of life, like education and government is matter, definitely effect to create personality, but in other hand, it’s not....  You can’t control and expect how the individual growing up. Every individual perceive the same experience in different way. 

It was unforgettable experience, experience glimpse of another life… Felt I was a part of them. I am so lucky, and very appreciate to all of people I met in Volgograd.





ボルゴグラードでの短い滞在はとっても印象的なものになった。新しいものと古いものが混合する街、そして全く知らなかったカティアの一面を知ることもできたし　知らなかった世界を知った。でも家庭や人は同じ、愛があり、多かれ少なかれ　なんか問題があり。。笑

カティアのご両親のあり方には　とても学ぶものがあったし　面白いほどの違った個性が同じバックグラウンドからなり得るのにもびっくりした。教育や政府って重要で　人や人格に影響するけど　その中でも人は力強く個人を作り　自分の人生を自分色に作り上げて行くんだなぁって思った。





全く違った人生を垣間見る、忘れられない経験。





Volgograd Russia trip - 1

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Katiya, I know her for 18 years. We met in language school in NYC. I really liked her since beginning because of her straightforward, very direct word choices. It was easy to understand who she is. It’s not because we didn’t speak english well at the time, she is still the same, always pretty honest, and bit spicy… She is such a strong, beautiful Russian woman. Very beautiful, but she doesn't like to be in photograph.

カティア、彼女との付き合いは１８年来（早い！）。２回目にニューヨークに引っ越した時　ちょっと行った語学学校でのクラスメート。その頃はほとんどお互い英語をしゃべれなかったけど　すぐに仲良くなって　家に行ってご飯ご馳走になったり　撮影したりした。彼女は色々引っ越したけど　４ヶ所お家にはお邪魔して　なんだかんだずっと縁は続いてる。ロシアの女性って感じで　とっても強く、優しく、はっきり物事を言う。そんな彼女がずっと好き。すっごい綺麗なんだけど写真に撮られるの嫌がる　笑





I had a chance to visit her family in Russia with her last year in July. I arrived a day before than she arrived, and stayed with her parents by myself for a night.   I was super ill, I think I got food poisoning few days before arriving to her parents home,  while traveling Moscow and St Petersburg with my parents.  

去年彼女のロシアの実家に　彼女が帰るタイミングで遊びに行くことになった。タイミングの関係で　最初の晩はカティアはいなくって　私一人でご両親の家に泊まることに　笑　その日まで　自分の両親と　モスクワ、セントピーターズバーグを旅行してて　多分食あたりで　２日間ほぼ食べてなかった。そんな状態での訪問。。。


  I don’t speak Russian, and they don’t speak English nor Japanese. So I was quite nervous…  But Katherine says “my mom is ready for sick Kazumi”. I arrived not eating two days, with dark circle around my eyes.  Her brother picked me up at airport.  The first thing we did was to speak using Google Translate. (thank you technology! ) And her mom asked me “eat” or “shower”. So I said “shower”. She said hot water run out at their house, so we gonna go next door to take shower…..

私は全くロシア語わからないし　ご両親も英語も日本語もわからない。そんでこんな体調で　行っていいのかなぁ、申し訳ないなぁ。だったんだけど　カティアは　”全く問題なし、お母さんが病気の和美の準備をして待ってるよ”と言う。

空港にはカティアの弟さんが迎えに来てくれて　携帯のトランズレーターで会話した。家に着くと　二人は素敵な笑顔で迎えてくれて　”ご飯？シャワー？”と聞くので　”シャワー”って言ったら　お湯が今日は出ないので　隣の家に行くよ。と言う（全部トランズレーターか単語での会話）


Katiya was told me her stories of childhood when I visited her in Florida few months before this Russia trip.  

She grow up in communist time in Russia. She experienced the big change, communism time to democracy when she was teen. She explained what was life in communist time. She said it was such a fun time. To be honest, I was not expecting to hear that. She said there were hunger, but felt safe and everyone was so close each other. Her neighbor was like her extended family, doors were always open, so kids can run around freely. 



I had imagination in my head about her apartment where she grow up, and what was like that neighbors are all her family…

 And now I am experiencing, I went to take a shower in next door apt at first day in Volgograd.


この旅行の数ヶ月前に　私はフロリダのカティアの新しい家に遊びに行ってた。彼女たちは　とっても成功してて　海の前のドアマン付き、ジム、プール付きの高層マンションに２年前くらいから住んでて　おいでおいでと行ってくれてて　これが初めての訪問だった。その時　カティアの子供時代の話を始めて聞いた。

彼女は　ロシアの共産主義崩壊を　高校に入るタイミングで経験している。ものすごい変化だと思う。でも彼女は　あんまり大したことなかった、と言う。誰でも高校に入る頃に　自分の世界の変化を経験する。ちょうどそのタイミングだったから　時代の変化っていうか　そう言うものか、と思った、と。で　子供時代はどうだったの？？って興味津々で聞いたら　”最高だった”と。　

この返答は予期してなかった。自分の知っている、聞いている共産主義時代のロシアって大変だったってイメージしかなかったし。

彼女曰く　食不足による空腹は多少あったけど　お母さんが工夫して　食事は楽しかったし、子供達は安心して　子供だけで夜遅くまで遊んでたし　近所は鍵を閉めることはなく、いつもドアが空いていて　ビル（団地のような感じ）ごと家族のように育った、と。

それを聞いて　ロシアに行く前から　彼女が育った環境をイメージしてたんだけど　ボルゴグラードに着いた初日に　それを経験することに！ご近所にシャワーを借りに行く。。笑

Her mom was really ready for me, because of her foods and lots of love, I recovered very quickly.  I could able to go the city tour with Kati’s dad next day! 

カティアのお母さんは　本当に準備万端で待っててくれて　彼女の食事とケアのおかげで　次の日には　ボルゴグラードの街をカティアのお父さんと見て回れるほど回復した。



To be continue…

Aliens

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My friends said that I am an alien. I heard that from multiple friends, and from some of my exes too. I think it started after I moved to NYC, or maybe I don’t remember maybe before that. But I clearly remember I was teased by few friends in NYC early 20th because I had blue hair. I bet because of my hair or my behavior as an “artist” (I think I was creating my personality as an “artist”) in my 20th gave impression to others that I am an alien. Also my lack of communication skills as new to US… 

But I was just leave that there, not really thinking anything about it. It was interesting to hear what other think about me. One of my ex said I look like small monkey, and he were saying in loving way!

And Noriko, who is my sister-like, and healer, and teacher, became obsessed to aliens after 8 years? 10 years? of her kinesiology study. I was just super skeptical for long time, and wasn’t taking that seriously.  But for sure it influenced me, because her session became more effective and strong after she into this new thing. And changes of her life was accelerating, it was very curious.  

We decided to go Christmas trip together and we went Malta and Turkey for 2019-2020 Christmas and New Years vacation. It was interesting coincidence that she said she wants to go Malta. Because Malta was in my head for few months before that. My friend in Iceland told me his experience and how Malta is special place. I never heard about Malta until he told me.  I thought I wanted to visit him in Malta in Oct, but that was not realistic at that moment. Then Noriko found there are temples that she wants to visit in Malta.

So, we went there. And it’s all about Aliens….. She wanted to visit oldest temples or oldest megalithic structure in the world in Turkey which found not so long ago. And there are the oldest free-standing structures on Earth was in Malta, until the discovery of Göbekli Tepe in Turkey.  So begins in Malta, we went 5?6? Ruins include underground cemetery… That was scary to me! To be honest, I am not into that kind of thing. I prefer to go spa trip to Bali, Greece islands, Paris, Marseille etc… I like historical buildings, but not that much. Or won’t go to the other country just for that. But I was traveling alone enough, and I wanted to have some different experience that I can’t have by myself. And It was remarkable! I definitely couldn’t have the experiences without her. But to be honest, I felt little bit like research trip or business trip… for sure. 

We visited 1 or 2 Ruins per day, and of course not only that, we walked beautiful old city in Malta, ocean in Gozo island. 

I got sick in Malta, I am thinking that was Covid19, though. hahaha   So many people in Airplane were coughing since Oct 2019. I noticed that, and remember I was thinking I should wear masks in Airplane…  Then finally I got sick in airplane from Istanbul to Malta. Since Noriko is a brilliant and skilled healer, she healed me in 3 days. But I never really experienced that much coughing before, and I don’t get cold easily. Probably only once in 5 years?  It was super contagious, I got sick right away, and Noriko too. We were okay, my fever and coughing stopped because of her help. Anyway, we did everything that I said, more than that.. Visiting Ruins, eat delicious foods everyday, drink Malta wine walked beautiful beautiful places, went Christmas mass. We spent such a lovely Christmas there. 

Then we went Urfa, Turkey to visit Göbekli Tepe.  Big change from Malta to middle east, near Syrian.  I was really enjoyed it. But Noriko was suffering by Alien effect... 

Okay, I am not really talking about Aliens. It’s whole another stories, and already this story became too long…  I want to write about the trip more!  So, I gonna say here for now is… There are enough to believe for me that there were aliens on the earth.  Looking at made in 9000- 10.000 BCE buildings and sculptures and feeling of it. There are totally alien looking sculptures and evidences (to me),  that some kind of Aliens were doing some kind of DNA testing for creatures of the earth(include human). It’s sounds crazy, and I still in learning process in this thing. But when I opened up to new curiosity, I found out there are already so many people researching in this area. 

Dogon religion researcher Shannon Dorey has interesting research relate to Gobekli Tepe and Aliens. https://www.shannondorey.com/articles/published/gobeklitepe.html

Watching “Unacknowledged” on Netflix was festinating! As well as “Ancient Aliens”. (I just found those shows past two weeks ago during quarantine in Kauai!) And I watched all episodes of Atiya/ the gift https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10075318/

on Netflix in Istanbul,  after visiting Gobekli tepe.  I am so glad the guy at cute store told me about the show. Such a fun to watch right after I went the actual place!  

Now I am reading books of sex or hypnosis or history, but what I picked recently always involved aliens. The authors believe in it, and they include that in their book. 

It is another my challenge to coming out to myself after kinesiology. That I am obsessed about extraterrestrial existence and talk to them often. And maybe I am one of them! And I believe you are too. 

Kinesiology

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キネシオロジー ＊日本語は英語の下です

It is my big secret.. sort of. I do kinesiology self healing almost everyday, and I rely on my muscle test(unconscious choices) when I can’t decide which chocolate I want to get, or which color of underwear I want to buy…. only very few of my close friends and exes knows how I live with it, and how I often doing it. 

I realized I didn't tell it to almost anyone. It was not secret, but I didn't feel the meaning of sharing. It’s like diary, or my thinking process, or could be similar to religious? I felt it’s very private, and I don’t do it for job anymore, so I wasn’t feeling necessary to share it. I have also avoided explaining it. There are many types of kinesiology, and I felt lazy to do that…

…

…

But just thought, it might be a reason that I am feeling of alienation, isolation or "no one understand me!" kind of feeling sometimes… Because I am not sharing a huge part of myself. 

So, it’s a small challenge to start opening up myself to the world! 


I started taking Noriko’s kinesiology session back in 2010, right before my life became different direction. I had divorce at 2011, which changed my life a lot. Her session might had some effect for the change, but that’s just happened whatsoever. Although, her session definitely helped me a lot to heal from the pain, and I am not sure I could be the same person if I didn’t have her help, or if I didn’t meet kinesiology.  


I recently became completely believe in parallel universe. After listening Noriko’s knowledge and from my dreams. And I watched some of Dolores Cannon’s youtube. Like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKJS5vCn0fI

 I am seeing one type of dreams past 5-6 years…  Which has continued story and life in it. Or could be longer than 5-7 years if I connect few more. Noriko helped me to cut off with this dreams because it was stressing, or my body saying it’s better to release. But I'm still seeing it, like seeing my completely different life in there. But to understand why I am seeing it through kinesiology helps me for deeper realization for many things, myself and how the universe really working(in my own way).


Anyway, what I wanted to say is I could have my life without kinesiology for sure, but my life with me at this moment can’t separate with it. 


Before I sleep, I usually ask to my body(unconscious/higher-self/guide.. something)that "Is there any messages from you now?" Or if I am suffering from something, then “what should I do?” Or “what this mean to me?”  

It’s really helping me to observe myself, from different point of view. 

For example, I’m keep getting message that I am not facing my darkness, weakness, or problems.  And I found there are so many of it, and so many layers. It’s like a game, my body tells tricky way(that’s what I feel) many times, because I don’t want to hear it.  I don’t want to face it.

But If I really listen, then my life will become easier all the time.


I also like to try other types of healings, or just following my own heart to make decisions. In the end it’s the same thing. I choose to be heal, that’s my decision, method doesn’t matter.  I listen what my body/guide says because my heart says yes too. Sometime I choose things my body say yes, but my heart doesn’t really say yes… But nothing really right or wrong, so it’s just a choice. 


To me kinesiology is a tool to connect something different than myself, something wiser and bigger than me, but still myself. I ask advice like I ask to my friends. But such a convenient because he/she is always always there for me. 


I am still really enjoying this conversation and "finding answers" game though kinesiology.  And saving my time a lot if I can’t choose either I want to have dark chocolate with protein or chocolate with fiber....


But why I can’t decide where to live..? There are lots of reasons!!   Yes, my body said I should live in Japan for while,  but my heart excited to travel, or dreaming to live in Europe. 

My body/guide maybe knows I could feel “safe” when I am in Japan. Or they might telling that I could possible to get it(safe feeling) in the truest sense after letting go my belief set that I can’t feel safe and be myself in Japan.


My recent learning from this dilemma is, decision from warm, happy feeling is good,  choices made from fear or some kind of negative feelings goes wrong.  Sounds simple but it’s pretty hard.  To knowing if it’s truly comes from pure essence or came from protection that I made while growing up. Even happy feeling could be fake. Could be just a protection to not see the deeper fear.  I couldn’t know that without having help from kinesiology.  For example, my body actually picked up the sentence from the list “ Positive thinking and not able to see own problems”. Or “Always trying to be a GOOD person”.  Which also negative.  That could give me feel right, and maybe make me feel warm too, but that is asking proof from others, not really came from my pure essence. That won't give me true happiness. 


To accept who I am and what I want, without feeling guilt. Love myself just as is...  Even If my brain says I am not enough, or heard it from others(That’s usually my belief system translate to it, though. Not really other people saying that).


The same messages coming to me over the years, but it is always fresh, has a deeper meaning or understanding, and giving new awareness through my experiences at the moment.


Thank you for not giving up on me and keep sending those messages, and be there all the time❤️


ほとんどの人が知らない私の秘密。。。それは　私の生活、私の人生にどれだけキネシオロジーヒーリングが組み込まれているかって事。


本当にごくわずかな人だけが　私がどれだけキネシオロジーを生活に取り入れているか、毎晩　寝る前にセルフヒーリングをしているか、どっちのチョコレートが欲しいか自分で決められない時　筋反射に頼って決めてるか（笑）を知ってるんだけど　こんなに自分の人生に大きな影響を受けているものを　私は周りの人にほとんど知らせていない、ってことに気がついて、　そんなだから　私は疎外感を持ったり　人に理解されてないって思ったりするんだよなぁって思ったので　ここにシェアしようかと。

なんで言わなかったのかなぁ？と思うと　特にこれを仕事にしてるわけでもなく（昔はちょっとしてたけど）　すごくプライベートな感じで　例えば日記のような、あとは自分の判断基準だったり（宗教のようなものかしら？？）あとはキネシオロジーって何？？ってところから説明するのも面倒だし（ここがかなりデカかった）　シェアする意味を感じて来なかったけど　結局　ここがわかってもらえないと　自分でないって思うところがあって　書いてみてみようかなぁ。。と　誰が読んでるかもわからないんですが　ある意味　ちょっとしたチャレンジ。自分をもっとオープンにして行こうという試みです：）


私が初めてキネシオロジーを知ったのは　だいたい１０年くらい前。離婚の１年くらい前で　今から思えばその頃は　色々なヒーリングに興味があって　受けてたなぁと。　離婚は私にとってとても辛い、人生が変わった出来事で　離婚の後は　典子さんのキネシのセッションにとっても助けられた。

典子さんは　私にとって　信頼するヒーラー　先生、そして今では　お姉さんのような存在になった。彼女の影響、キネシのヒーリングの奇蹟、のようなものをたくさん受けてきたと思う。

キネシのクラスもいくつか受けて　いっときはそれをしてお金をもらっていたこともあったけど　今はセルフヒーリング、ごくみじかな人へのセッションしかしなくなった。けれど　もっと深く私の生活には組み込まれている。　もちろん　キネシなくても生きていけるけど　キネシなしでの今の自分はあり得ないなぁと思う。


話はちょっと変わりますが　私　英語と日本語と両方で書いてますが　どっちかを訳そうとすると　温度が変わるので　別途に同じテーマで書くようにしようと思って　それを今回から特にやってるんですが　英語で書きたいと思う内容と　日本語で書きたいと思う内容が　多少変わることに気がつきました。書く日にちも違うからかもだけど。。。　ので　英語文とちょっと内容違います：）


私は　筋反射を取って　毎晩寝る前に　自分の無意識だったり　最近はメインでガイドとの会話をします。大抵　”何かメッセージはありますか？”だったり　その日に問題があったら　”この問題を解決するには？””これは私にとってどんな意味があり起こっていますか？”などの問いかけをします。で　リストの中から　答えを筋反射で聞きます。応えは核心を付いてて痛いときもありますし　知ってるわ！けどできないんだよ！って愚痴をいう時もありますし　え？どういう意味？と謎かけな時も多々あります。その謎かけを解いていくのが面白くって　あー　そういう意味ね！と自分で納得できるところに行くとすごくスッキリします。納得する＝それが答えだ、と自分が納得できるので　問題に対して行動できるし　腑に落ちることができる。

違う角度からものを見やすくなったし　思い込みに気が付きやすくなった。


かと言って　全ての問題が解決するわけでもなく　例えば　住むところ、なんかは　ぜーんぜん決めれません！筋反射で出てるアドバイスを聞きたくなかったりするし。　理解できない、したくない、向き合いたくない、だったり。。。どこかで決めたくない、というのがある。それは失敗する恐れ、だったり　旅を続けていたい、だったり。


別に旅が続けていたいならすればいいし　決めたくないんだったら　決めなければいい、でも決めたいという思いだったり　家への憧れだったり　一箇所にいることからできる　人との繋がりだったりを望んでたり。そしてそこへの抵抗もあったり。。。。とたくさんの理由が　重なり合ってる感じ。今は　決まるときは決まるでしょう、といった感じで　旅行をもうちょっと楽しもう！という視点になってきてますが　笑


最近は　やっと心が望むもの、が素直に出てきてる感じ。というかわかってきた感じ。心が望むものって言っても　長年積み重ねてきた思い込みの中では　本当に望むものと　自分を守るために身につけてきたものとか　一般的な思い込みで　自分の心からの思いではないものへの見分けがつきにくい。


例えば　お金持ちになることがワクワクする！自分の心からの望みだ！と思ってたとしても　実は自分が持っている不安感からの望みだったり　人と比べていたり　なので　それが手に入っても本当の幸せ感は得れなかったり　なんか自分の人生が上手く回らなかったり。


例えば　私、離婚してから　ズーーっと新しいパートナーを、人生のパートナーを見つけたい！って思ってきたけど　そこに焦点を当ててたこと自体が　ネガティブな思い込みからの行動だったなぁって今では思う。自分にパートナーがいることを妄想すると楽しいし　幸せで　それが欲しい！って思ってたけど　パートナーがいない自分が欠陥品、みたいに思ってたり　そうしないと幸せになれない、みたいな思い込みがあったのは確か。そういった部分が原動力になってる行動って上手くいかない。幸せにはしてくれない。

でも　何度も何度もそれは違うよー、こういう見方があるよーというように　ガイドだったり身体だったりが辛抱強く教えてきてくれて　本当に最近、ピュアな部分で欲するもの、そうしたいと思うこと、が分かってきた。感覚的なものなんだけど　その部分とつながって行動、決断すると上手く行く：）実はなかなかそこと繋がれないのだけど　それができる経験がどんどん増えてきているここ最近！


これも　キネシだったり　ガイドだったり　典子さんだったり　旅をしてきて　たくさんのことを見て経験できたからだったり　その旅で会ってきた人だったり　家族だったり　友達だったりのおかげだなぁと。　そしてそれを選べた、してきた自分への感謝❤️


何が言いたいんだか　よくわからない長い分になりましたが　笑　一応”キネシと私”でした。

*Not sure what photos goes well with “Kinesiology”. So, this is photos from recent trip to Malta and Turkey with Noriko and a photo of tree which I fall in love in beginning of this year:)


Cacao

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I am addicted to Cacao. I have almost the same breakfast every morning for past 7 to 8 years. And main ingredients for it is Cacao powder. My morning won’t starts until I take cacao… If I want go luxury, then I go with Raw Organic Cacao power with Raw cacao nibs. And if not, any unsweetened cocoa power works with other ingredients(fruits, nuts, coconut oil etc).  

Since I drank a wonderful cacao ceremonial grade drink twice in Reykjavik, I began to be interested in Cacao ceremony. The taste was amazing! I never experienced such a taste…. It is super rich, richer than any cocoa I had before. And it’s not sweet, and really fatty witch I LOVE! 

Later, I heard that for cacao ceremonies are usually use fermented raw cacao. And yes, I love fermented food! Like Natto!!

And the time with friend while drinking the cacao was warm and happy. My friend told me that cacao has power to opening the heart. It’s been used for ceremonially for at least 5,000 thousand years by a number of South American groups. I just wanted to drink the cacao again, so, I started looking for a Cacao ceremony. Surprisingly, it is everywhere. I saw one in SF, and of course it’s happening almost everyday somewhere in Bali!

So, I had my first group cacao ceremony Feb 13th at pyramid of chi. Thought nice to cerebrate Valentine’s day in that way. And I had awesome time:) And other unexpected surprise was I met two people who knows from NY at the ceremony! 

Anyway, before the ceremony, I was bit afraid that maybe I won’t able to feel anything, or open my heart to connect others. But somehow I could do it. It was so natural and simply my heart was opened. I cried few times, laughed, danced hard, and singing. At one point I felt I was too much loosing myself, and has to bring back myself.. which I never felt before. 

I said good job to myself. Because I still have lots of blockage to people. I am quite friendly and easy to make friends in anywhere(It’s new thing btw), but showing emotions or really open up myself is hard. Recently, it’s become harder to really “look” others eyes.

While I was lying down and receiving sound healing at the end of ceremony, I was thinking how I was open when I was a kid. I had no fear or doubt to others, always happy to meet new people and do something together. And compare to that, how hard it is now to meet people and not bring up my past experiences to judge others.  Because of it, I can’t really see them as who they are or experience the moment.

Cacao ceremony… it was a wonderful gift to experience the feeling of childhood and sort of understand what is open heart means. 

私は　チョコ、というか　カカオにハマってます。毎朝　ほぼ同じ朝食を過去７−８年食べ続けてるんですが　そのメインがカカオパウダー。ちょっと豪勢にしたいときは　ローオーガニックカカオパウダーとローカカオニブとかにしますが　甘くない１００％のココアだったら全然いい。それにフルーツ、ナッツ、シード、オイルなどが加わるのをずーっと飽きずに食べてます。で　カカオがないと朝が始まらない！！私は　ハマりグセ？子供の頃から何かの食べ物にハマることが多いんですが　これが一番長いなぁ。。。

レイキャビックに行ったとき　友達に作ってもらったり　連れてってもらったカフェで初めてカカオセレモニーグレードのドリンクを飲んで　えええ！！！！ちょーうまい、美味すぎ！！！って大感動してから　ずっと　あれがまた飲みたい、カカオセレモニーに参加するか？と思ってて　なんとなく気になってたので　バレンタインだし！と思って　ウブドのヒーリングセンター、プラミッド　オブ　チ　でバレンタインイブにセレモニーに参加することにしました。

アイスランドの友達が　カカオはハートをオープンにする作用があるんだよ。と教えてくれて　実際　その２回のカカオドリンクを飲んだときは　友達とのとっても暖かい、オープンでつながりを感じれる　幸せない時間でした。調べてみると　南米では５０００年くらい前から神聖な飲み物として儀式に用いられていて　ハートをオープンにする、神、自分、他者とのつながる、みたいなことが書いてある。

で　使われるカカオは生で発酵されているものらしい。すっごいオイルたっぷりな感じで濃厚で甘くなくって　本当に美味しいです：）

正直　セレモニー受けてみたいなーって思ってはいたけど　抵抗もあった。　グループでヒーリングセレモニーでシェアする。。。って苦手。まずグループが苦手だし　知らない人と手を繋いだり　目を見たりするのかなぁ？とか（そういうの書いてあったので）感想をみんなの前でシェアするのかなぁ？（すごく苦手）とか。　で結果としては　ぜーんぜん大丈夫だった！　笑って、泣いて、踊って歌って　なんだかそういうことが自然とできた。カカオパワー？　参加者が多国籍（ロシア人がほぼだったが）だったのもなんか良かったし　偶然　ニューヨークからの知り合いがセレモニーに参加してたのも手伝ってのことかもしれない。

最後のサウンドヒーリングを受けてるとき、子供の頃の感覚を感じていた。　私は子供の時、とってもオープンで　誰とでもすぐ友達になれた（子供ってことだよね）、大人も男性も女性も偏見なしに信頼していた。それと比べて今はすぐ友達にはなれるけど　ものすごく閉じているとことがある。それは自分の過去の経験から　その人を判断して　その枠に当てはめるというか　本当のその人、その瞬間を見ずに　その人を見ていることがほとんどだから。それでも　数年前の私とは随分違う。２年前　バリで１ヶ月いた時は　まだまだ人に話しかけることも　友達を作ることもなんか抵抗ばかりだったけど　今は　毎日新しい出会いがある。

計３時間のカカオセレモニーはかなり濃厚ですごい充実感。ノンストップでたくさんのヒーリングが組み込まれてた。ピラミッド　オブ　チのオーナーの人？ファウンダー？がセレモニーをリードしてて　あの値段と労力から　ほぼ奉仕だなぁって思った。

子供の頃の感覚を体感できたこと、自分がハートが開けるんだっていうのを思い出せたことが大きなギフトだったなぁって思う。

Awesome Cacao ceremony drink from https://www.systrasamlagid.is/ And my dear friend who made the best cacao drink only for me:) https://www.instagram.com/onelovesol/

One of my muse in Kauai, presenting heart chakra :) https://aananuna.com/

Home

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After traveling while and spent lots of time staying someone’s home, hotel, airbnb… I am craving to find another place that I could call home… My home in Kauai is more like investment at this moment. 

It was very hard for me to know what I really want. Because tons of options! But now I am feeling much more clear. After I lived in another houses, cities, or countries, and experienced lots of someone’s life...   I only need few things and not much options after I really know what I have and what I need for my lifestyle. 

My first search was somewhere in America, and city. But to be honest, I wasn’t really attracted to any places in America… So one of the first thing came in mind was “where is the best place for skin??”….. Stupid, but I seriously searched that. Portland OR was good for that, though.


And ended up I gave up and just exploring other countries. I fall in love almost all countries and cities where I visited, but I couldn’t felt so realistic to moving to other countries. 

And what I was trying recently was “why not Japan??” So, after leaving Japan for almost 20 years, I was thinking of living in Japan again. 

I was craving to settle down and to have a deeper connections with others. I met wonderful people during the trips, but I can’t really build any relationships if I keep moving. 


I thought it should work in Japan because I already have people who I feel deeply connected, family. I am feeling loved and belong to, but ended up I couldn’t picture myself live in Japan. My simple needs in my lifestyle are nothing met in Japan. 


But I know that I couldn’t find this answers what I really need until I spent some time in Japan and my family. I feel supported by them. I can still show them everything and act like a teenager. Because of it I could feel it is okay to be selfish to live my life.  Also Japan is definitely my root, so I could see why I became like this,(me) and what is important for me better than when I am in other places. The experience from living with my family in the last two months has given me the courage to do what I really want and say aloud that I need it.


So I am having a big expectations for Bali… I hope I could able to feel home in here at the end of my stay!

*Photos of few places where I stayed…. Only few from tons of places. And I am regret that I didn’t take all !


Smoke and Crater

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My new Italian friend Eddi made me and Laura a Ragu pasta on the last night of our stay in Ólafsfjörður. It was so yummy, real Italian food! With two nice Italians :D Feeling super full at the night, and still have some pasta left in my belly next morning. We left Ólafsfjörður and heading back to Reykjavik. Driving in Iceland was awesome, best driving experience than anywhere else(Especially sitting in the passenger seat). Dramatic and gorgeous scenery that passes by every moment. Eddi was smoking electric cigaret, and I hate cigaret…. but this one smelled strawberry!! And I could able to get this awesome photo of smoke and Eddi… So not that bad.

最終日の晩に　エディーがラグーパスタを作ってくれた。ローラとエディーはイタリア人で　その中で手作りのパスタを味わえる幸せ。。食べ過ぎて次の日の朝もお腹いっぱいな感じ。この日はエディーの運転でレイキャビックに帰る日。アイスランドのドライブは感激の美しさの景色がずっと続くので全く飽きない。助手席に座って　これを見れていて　またしても幸せ。。。

エディーが電気タバコでタバコを吸っていて　基本タバコ大っ嫌いな私なんだけど　このタバコ、いちごの香りだった！！！臭くないし　このエディーの写真撮れたし、ストレス全くなし。

He took me several places and each places are memorable. But the most impressive location to me was a crater walk…

I am anime geek, I bet growing up in Japan automatically made me like that. We have such an amazing anime culture. I still cry when I watch Ghibli movies… which I watched tons of times.

This crater made me think I was inside “your name” anime movie… The scene in the movie was two different dimensions are connected at the crater. It was like that. I felt I was in between two different worlds. Surreal and mysterious. Maybe I was in between reality and anime world!

エディーがいくつかの場所に寄ってくれた。どこもとても印象深いんだけど　一番私にとって印象に残ってるのが　このクレーター。

私は日本のアニメ好き。日本の文化で一番私にとって重要なんじゃないかしら？いや　お風呂かなぁ？納豆か？で　このクレーターは結構最近見た”君の名は”（だったよね？）のメインの二人が出会うシーンを思い出させた。どこも結構非現実的な美しさのアイスランドだけど　ここにいた時はなんだかとっても不思議な気分だった。どの現実にも所属してない感じ。。。エディーにはわからない　不思議な(もしかしたらアニメの）世界に一人浸っていた。


The notion of time is largely related to the experience at that time. I spent 10 days in 1 day, this was that kind of day. My time is weird recently, or always… I can’t believe I was in LA last spring, and early summer. Some memory feels far away, and some so close.

Sunset at the day was awesome:)

時間の概念？って本当にその時の体験に左右される。この日は１０日間を１日で過ごしたような日だった。最近の私の時間の感覚はかなり変。いつも変なのかもしれないけど。。　春だったか？ロスにいた時の写真見て　なんだかびっくりした。今年は二回だか三回だか行ったんだけど　写真によってはものすごい昔な気がする。最近だ、と感じる記憶があったり　ずいぶん昔だなぁって感じる記憶もある。

この日のサンセットは最高だったなぁ。




North Iceland

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I was staying an artist residency in Northern Iceland. This was the most small town/village I ever stayed in my life, I think. After lived in NYC and Tokyo for years, Reykjavik was super quiet, low population density city to me. And here Ólafsfjörður was almost too much at one point, I was feeling trapped to another world where is no one exist.  I was walking to find a bonfire and beach cleaning event one day, and lost in the fog. I didn't see anyone for an hour,  walking around the beach and the town.  I needed to go bathroom, so kinda gave up and went back to the residency. I was so happy when Laura came back, and she took me to the event, where humans exist!  



Ólafsfjörður was mystical, such a beautiful place. This small town is in between two mountains, you have to go through one of tunnels to get to the town. That is already adventurous and mysterious to me. 

It was very interesting to meet young people who choose to live there. A girl I met she decided to come back here after lived in Reykjavik, and she said that was right decision.  A guy from Portugal who found a home in here after traveled a lot.  A woman at bonfire who going to cold ocean swim every day was so energized and shining. I get bored pretty easily in Kauai, and I was hard to imagine I could be the same like them. Seems like everyone I met at Ólafsfjörður was happy, so free to be themselves(I meant, it was common to everyone I met in Iceland). I could see calm, confident and satisfied from their eyes.



I remember in the first year in Kauai, I was talking my boyfriend at that time that I wanted to be a person who enjoys little things, and can appreciate them. So doesn’t feel bored, because knowing nothing is the same.   Like.. different sound of bird singing, weather, feeling of fresh sheets.  Different taste of breakfast, even if it’s exactly the same ingredients from yesterday.  My feelings are always changing, that is kind of fun to observe.  It is hard to do the exact same day(not possible) even if I feeling I am having repeated life. 

I actually do enjoy almost all things I said above.  I enjoy the same breakfast for more than 6 years! I always always enjoy shower or bath! But result is…. I am keep traveling, looking for obvious new experiences and always seek new stimulation. 



So... I have no conclusion about this... lol  Because I am happy who I am now(so far so good!). I don’t think I could live there, but I could understand happy people in Ólafsfjörður.  It’s not really boring if you have engaged to community.  If there are people who you really care and connect. And it is beautiful place!!! Also they might be the people who I wanted to be 5 years ago. I still want be like that, find joy from small things and appreciate it. And never really feel boredom. My definition of joy means more like to be aware. I do enjoy portion of negative reality that I experience. Because it won’t be forever, and it usually brings me a great teaching. Hard to feel appreciation in middle of shocking event, though. But definitely not feeling bored!



So the conclusion is ... staying in Ólafsfjörður was a lot of fun!!  A dreamy week, lovely time with Laura, and with Eddie at the end of the stay. He took me to many beautiful places on the way back to Reykjavik! That is next. . .

あまりに長くなったので　日本語は　写真の後にしまーす。

レイキャビックの後　アイスランド北部の町、 Ólafsfjörður。。。日本語読みしたらなんて言うんだろう？オルスファー？名前は最後まで覚えれなかった。。。　とにかく　ここにある　アーティストレジデンシーに１週間泊まったのだけど　今まで生活をした中では一番　田舎というか　小さな町だった。（多分。。。私の記憶はあてにならないが　そんな気分）ニューヨークとか　東京で生活していた経験から　レイキャビックは　もうすでにすごく静かで人の密度も少なく、小さな街だったので　Ólafsfjörðurに来て　ある意味またカルチャーショックを受けた感じ。村に一件あるスーパーまで歩いて行く間　誰も人を見ないなんてざら。

レジデンシーに同じタイミングで滞在していたローラが　ビーチクリーニングの後に焚き火をしてランチをみんなで一緒にするイベントがあるから来る？というので　行く！！と言って　楽しみにしてたんだけど　その日寝坊して　もうローラは出てたので　一人でビーチクリーニングの集団を探しに出かけたのだけど　１時間　ビーチを歩いても　それらしき人達が見つからない。。その日は霧が濃くって　本当に違う世界に行っちゃったかと思った！遠くの方に歩いてる人を見かけたけど　そこに行くまでにその人たちは消えていた。結局　トイレが我慢出来なくなり　諦めてレジデンシーに帰ることにしたんだが　ちょっとしたらローラが帰って来て　で焚き火に連れてってくれた！そこには人がいた。。。。笑

Ólafsfjörðurは　２つの山に挟まれていて　ここに行くには　どちらかのトンネルを通らなければいけない。もうそれだけで　なんか違う世界って感じ。

この街で会った人たちはみんなオープンで幸せそうだった。アイスランドで会った人　ほぼそうだけど。。。自分らしく　のびのび生活してる感じ。こんな人里離れたところで生活してて　飽きないのかな？？と真剣に考えてしまった。カフェで働いてた若い女の子は　レイキャビックに数年住んだ後　この町へ帰ってきたと言う。で　すごく幸せだそうだ。焚き火イベントで会ったポルトガルから引っ越してきた私と同じ歳くらいの男性は　色々旅して回った結果　ここに引っ越してきたそう。同じくそこで会った女性は　毎日寒中水泳を海でしてるそうで　すごく元気で健康そうで楽しそうだった。

私はすぐ飽きてしまう。カウアイにいると　２週間でもういいやってなる。すごく綺麗なところだし　最初の１週間は感動の嵐なんだけど　エネルギー充電すると　さ、次の冒険へ！になる。

カウアイへ引っ越してきた最初の年に　その時の彼に　”毎日の繰り返しの中から幸せを見つけていきたい、同じ日はないということを実感し、感謝できるような人になりたい”と言ってたのを覚えてるのだけど　結局のところ　常に新しい冒険、挑戦にいつも心が惹かれてしまう。今の所　今の自分のこの感じが好きなのでいいんだけど　もうちょっと　この飽きる、という感覚はなくなっていってもいいなぁって思う。飽きないところは全く飽きずにずっと楽しく同じこと繰り返してるんだけどね。食べ物とかヨガとか写真とか。。　一旦飽きた、つまらない！って思うとダメなのよね。

ここの人達は　どうしたら　こんなにここでの生活を楽しめるのだろう？？と想像してみたんだが　わかることは分かる。強いコミュニティーのつながり感があれば　その中での変化で忙しかったりするんだろう。３軒隣のなんとかさんが家をリフォームするからヘルプしなきゃ、とか　今日はうちが子供をプールに連れてく日、とか。小さな町でも　みんながみんなを知ってて　繋がってて　ヘルプしあってたら　結構忙しいだろうよなぁって。家族が増えれば　それだけで用事もイベントも増える。実家に帰るとそれを体感するので　これが町レベルだったら凄そう。　でも人と繋がってる感がなかったら　無理だろうなぁ。。

まぁ　本当に綺麗なところであることは確か！夢のようなところだった。夢のような１週間。もうこの町になんども来ているローラのおかげで　コミュニティーに一瞬参加できたし　単に訪ねるより少し深く見れたような気がする。彼女との会話も　最後に迎えに来てくれたエディーとの３人の時間もすごく楽しかった：）

Glacier

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There were several reasons why I wanted to visit Iceland. One was a glacier. My friend told me how she experienced strong healing when she had glacier hike, and I wanted to feel it.  However, I had experienced so many other healings right after I landed to Iceland.  I could see the aurora, my body was purifying from the Icelandic water that I drink every day from the tap,  soaked in the hot springs so many times, absolute sense of safeness which I never felt, and quietness and the air quality.... It was all healing.  I saw Glacier with Chris from far away in beginning of Iceland trip, so I was feeling okay to not go Glacier hike. Also I don’t wanted to join a tour to go with bunch of strangers…  But I was more than happy when Pepe took me to the amazing Glacier hike! I could able to drink glacier water! and bite the ice! It was super tasty. 


I was walking at Mission street in San Francisco the other day. I usually avoid the street, because so many homeless people and no cute stores to stop by. I feel uncomfortable to walk the street. 

I was feeling energized in the morning without any reasons, so I thought I should try to face the fear of the street… also thought it won’t effect me that much.  Then I was feeling my energy level dropping down a lot.. And for while I felt depressed and tired. 


We had good amount of walk over the glacier, and that's not easy. Plus long drive(I wasn’t driving, though…) , and after that I had lots of energy to go to two waterfalls by myself.  I was running to get to the waterfalls, I got soaked from splashed water from waterfall but I didn’t care. It was freezing but also I didn’t care. And even after dinner still had good amount of energy left. 

That kind of things usually matter to me.  I usually complain when I feel cold, I don’t have much stamina to stay up late or enjoy whole day trip. But I was just super energized and happy at that day.  


In some places I get energy. After traveling almost full time, I became more sensitive to the vibes of each locations. What make me feel so different? climate? sunshine? people? culture? air? 



I think it’s related to different stages of my life. Like NYC was my power spot when I was late teen to early 20th, but nature definitely more important now,  I gain much more energy from it. Also noticing I get really effected by people. Location attract similar minded people, and it seems effecting me a lot. And important for feeling good is how my body feels. Air quality makes so much differences for happiness for my body. Temperature, air and water as well. Quietness and good sleep, and of course, foods. 

So, I still looking for a place I can call home… My body and spirit probably happy if I live above glacier…(yes?) or just be in nature and became a hermit. But my mind needs variations in daily life. I get easily bored, so I want to have some cultures around me as well as access to nature.


There are long lists of things that I want for my future home. I might not able to have all, and I need to prioritize few things, or maybe one to make a decision. I finally feeling that I began to understand what is important to me, after trying years!!!  So, it’ll come…. It will. 

Well, I might just realize that I already have everything… HA-HA

So now I’m going to enjoy this process as much as possible.


アイスランドに行きたかった理由の一つで　氷河に触れたかった、というのがあった。最近アイスランドに行った友達が　氷河でのものすごく強いヒーリング効果、氷河のあるおかげでアイスランド自体がすごく癒されてて　とても気がいい、というのを聞いて　それは経験してみたい！と思ったから。実際行ってみて　それが氷河のおかげなのかはわからないけど　とにかく　どこにいたって癒しのエネルギーに満ち溢れてたので　最初の方に友達と行ったドライブで氷河は見たし、オーロラも見て　温泉にも散々入り、美味しい空気と水に毎日触れ、静けさにも　人々の心のゆとりからも癒されてたので　氷河に行くのはもういいかなーと思ってたし　ツアーに参加したくなかったので　氷河ハイクはほぼ諦めてたんだけど　知り合ったぺぺが最後の最後で連れてってくれるってことになり　で結果として　最高だった！！氷河の上を歩いてるだけで　本当にどんどん元気になる。氷河の水も飲んだし　氷も食べた！すごーーーく美味しかった：）


昨日　今泊まってるサンフランシスコのミッション地区にある　それこそミッションストリートを歩いた。いつもだったら避けて通る道なんだけど　昨日の朝は元気だったので　あの道を歩いてヨガに行ってみよう、という気になった。なんで嫌いかって　歩いてる人　全てホームレス？っていうくらいのホームレスの多さ、店は小汚く　道もかなり気をつけてないと犬の糞やらを踏む、で気分が落ちるから。そのすぐ隣のバレンシアストリートは　小洒落たお店が立ち並んで　全く違う雰囲気。これがサンフランシスコの現状で　貧富の差が大き過ぎる。ごみ溜めの隣がミリオンマンションって感じ。昔のニューヨークがこんな感じだったなぁって思う。もっと危険度が高かったけど　ホームレスがそこら中に横たわって寝てたり　ゴミをあさってた。そしてここはその中をポルシェだったり高級車に乗った若者が走り去る。おしゃれなヨガウエアを着た女性が歩いてく。不思議なのは　治安がそこまで悪くないってところ。でも　毎回来るたびに　ホームレスの数は増えてる気がする。で結果　３ブロックくらい歩いて　自分のエネルギーが急速に落ちた感じで　元気だったのに　ものすごく疲れ、落ち込んだ。かなりずーっと影響した。



私は自然の中にいると　結構体力が持つ。氷河のハイキングに行ったときは　そこそこのドライブ、氷の上を歩くってのは結構大変、でそのあと　ぺぺは車で待ってたけど　一人で２つの滝を見に行って　びしょ濡れになって　かなり寒くってもへっちゃら、結果夜遅くまでディナーして帰っても　まだ結構元気だった。私は普段そこまで体力がある方ではない。　車でちょっと移動するだけで車酔いする時も多いし　寒さに文句はたくさん出るし　人と一日一緒にいたらへとへとになるから　２、３時間で切り上げたいし　ディナーは遅くなるからスキップ、といったのが普通。でも　アイスランド、特に氷河での自分のエネルギーの高さ？豊富さ？にはびっくりした。


歩いてるだけで元気になるところ、落ちるところ、そういった場所の持つエネルギーに旅を続けてるうちにどんどん敏感になってる気がする。場所がどう自分に影響するかってのがよくわかってきた。何がそんなに影響するんだろう？　気候？太陽？人？空気？


今の自分が何を欲してるか、が関係してくるとは思う。１０代後半から２０代の前半は　ニューヨークが確実に自分のパワースポットだった。でも今は行くとかなり疲れる。今は自然からの影響の方が強い。自然がないとやってられない　笑

あと　その場の人のエネルギー。場所は似たような人を惹きつける。ハワイには似たような考えを持つ人が集まり　ニューヨークはまた似たような考えの人が集まる。その人々が持つエネルギーが私には影響する。あとは体がハッピーかどうか。空気が綺麗で水がいいと私の体はハッピーって言ってくる。静かでよく寝れればハッピーって言ってくる。暖かい方がいいけど　水と空気の方が重要みたい。あとはもちろん食べ物。

これだけから行くと　氷河の上にでも住むか　自然の中で仙人暮らしが幸せなんじゃないか？って感じだけど　私のマインドはそれじゃイヤ。バリエーションがないと苦しくなる。自然だけじゃいや、人が作るものも生活の中で楽しみたい。それが私のマインドが望むもの。


１年半以上旅し続けて　家って思えるところを探している。自分が本当に落ち着ける場所を探してる。まだ見つからないけど　なんかやっと自分が本当に必要とするものが見えてきたんじゃないか？って感じ。全部を手に入れることはできないかもしれない、どれが自分に一番大切なのかを決めなきゃいけないのかもしれない。でもなんか見えてきてるからまぁ見つかるでしょう。。。もしかしたら　もうあったって気付くだけかもしれないし　笑　そのプロセスを楽しもうと思う。

Reykjavik- レイキャビック

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I was staying Reykjavik for 3 weeks. I was originally thinking to stay some portion in Reykjavik, and traveling different areas of Iceland. But few things happened and ended up I was watching a kitten for 3 weeks. First, I thought it’s too long, but actually it was really perfect. And now Reykjavik is one of the place where I want to live! Not sure it could be realistic, since I don’t like cold, and 46 degree might be average summer temperature in here… and 9 months of dark and cold winter in Iceland…. Still, I felt this is different type of paradise, I really fallen love into this city.



Size wise it’s perfect for me, and super quiet. Very very safe. This is one of the most safest country in the world. Creativity in here makes me feel freedom. I feel everyone expressing freely, and support system is good in here. Many galleries, activities, and variations. but not overwhelming like New York. I also love the taste of creations in here. Delicate, careful, and original. Something very soft and detailed, yet very simple.. I could see some similarity with some of Japanese art, in different way. 



And people in here… that is the best! Who attract in Iceland and moved in here has similarity. Yeah of course, who chose New York or who chose to live Hawaii has different needs, location attracts similar type of people. Almost everyone I met here from outside is very sweet, soft spoken, sensitive, independent, creative and kind. And Icelandic who I met… I only had long conversations with 4 Icelandic so far, but they all very interesting!!! They are new type of people to me. What I feel from them is confident, really open, so naked… they don’t have wall, because they never needed. They don’t need to put masks, also they never needed. I don’t see fake smile from Icelander, they not trying hard to prove themselves to others. I don’t think Icelander is not that friendly, but they are totally for you to help if you asked.  And open and happy to have conversations if you start talking. No fear to others, and just so natural… don’t know how to describe.. genuine?  They are real, not fake. 



I think that all came from deep connections between people and strong sense of safeties. I met a guy talking it’s difficult for him to find a date, because with his big family group. He can’t find a date without finding that they are relatives… My friend told me no one lock the door, when he moved to Reykjavik 20 years ago, include himself. And he found stranger sleeping on his couch many times. It was normal things in Iceland at that time. Actually, until pretty recently. People just go in random houses for pee without confirmation. Or if you are too drank and can’t drive, just open a door and sleep someones apartment for a night. 

If you really feel safe and connected to people.. like if you are with family(good one), and if you feeling accepted and protected by them.. then why you need to pretended to be cool, or better or create wall to not get hurt. You feel freedom to express yourself, create your creations, speaks from truth. 



They probably have different issues that they working on. Which I don’t see from my side. But what I am feeling and experiencing is like that. And I have never experienced this level of depth of connections to others and safeness that they have. I might had something like this when I was kid, but I was pretty insecure baby… so maybe not. 



Such a beautiful place, oh yeah, I want to come back. Pretty cold, though! 



レイキャビック



レイキャビックに３週間も滞在した。最初は長くて２週間予定だったんだけど　色々問題発生で　猫の面倒を私が見ることになったので　結局ずっといることになった。で　結果としてはすごーくよかった！

旅ばかりしているから　一箇所にいて　ヨガ行って　友達と会って　ご飯作って、、みたいな　普通の生活が楽しかったのと　レイキャビックという街が本当に良くって　それを堪能できて最高だった。



この国の安全性は世界一って言われてるくらいで　本当に安全なのが身に染みてわかる。夜　誰もいない道をヨガの帰りに歩いていても　全く危険を感じない。ホームレスはいない、よく　都会で見かけるような　ストレスで喚いてたり　怒ってる人も見たことない。

偶然歩いて行けるところにいいヨガスタジオを見つけ　毎日通って体力も付いてきて　やはりエネルギーが回ると　創造性も広がるし　そこへの元気も出る。そのヨガスタジオのオーナーの人と仲良くなり　いい影響をたくさん彼女から受けたり　会う人会う人　本当に良い人ばかり。　蛇口から出る水は温泉水だから　お肌はスベスベ、温水プールはそこら中にある。プールは塩素臭さが全くなく　水が優しくいつもの数倍泳げて　サウナもジャグジーもある。　



なんでも高いけど　レストランで食べる料理は　丁寧に作られててなんでも美味しい、スープは本当に美味しかったし　寒いけど　違った形のパラダイスを大満喫した。ある意味　ヨガリトリートとアーティスレジデンシーに泊まる感じ。。を自分で一人でやった、みたいな生活をしてた。毎日ヨガ行って　３日に一回くらい　プールとジャグジー、一日数時間はなるべくクリエーションにフォーカスする。それがしやすい環境が　この街には整っていた。静けさ、クリエイティビティーに対するサポートとオープンさ、ストレスがない生活。





寒いの全然得意じゃないから　夏でも１０度くらいなアイスランドに住むのは微妙だが　今まで旅した中で一番住みたいなって思える街になった。アイスランドの人は　安心感からくるのか　差別心も感じなければ競争心も感じない。根本にある強い安心感は自由な表現にも繋がっていて　みんなが自由で裸な感じ。実際　最初に話し始めた時が　更衣室のシャワーの中で　裸だった、なんてのもあるけどね　笑　

自分を作らない、壁を作ったり見栄を張ったりする感じがない。素直に自分を表現している。アートで言えば繊細で丁寧で美しいものが多い印象。料理もそう。日本人にはとても合うんじゃないかなぁ。アイスランドに惹かれてここに住んでいる人たちも　みんな優しく喋り、穏やかで良い人ばかり。この国を選ぶ人は似てくるんだろうなぁ。カウアイもそうだけど　なぜか男性が癒されまくってる感じをよく見る。目が綺麗なの。他の場所ではあまり気になったことがない。





水がきれい、あふれている、空気がいい。それだけで癒される部分ってたくさんある。プラス　住んでる人、その歴史　それが街のエネルギーを作り出すけど　ここは本当に優しい、自分でいやすい、自分の嫌なところですら　見る勇気ができ　それをなんとか受け入れられたりする。　この地ではストレスは発生しないんだけど　アイスランドにいるタイミングで　仕事や人間関係で　辛いことがいくつかあり　でもそれを受け止められる、ちゃんと面と向かって見るだけの勇気をくれたのは　アイスランドって土地のサポートが大きいと思う。







ここの人が持つ問題は今の私からは見えてこない。けれど　恋愛をしたいのに　自分の家系が大きすぎて　会う人会う人みんな結局親戚で　結婚できないっていってる男性がいた。ニューヨークの友達からの紹介で知り合った人が　ヨガのオーナーと繋がってた。誰もが結果　家族として繋がってしまうってのは　それなりに息苦しいかもしれない。けれどイタリア人の友達が言ってたけど　彼が引っ越して来た２０年前は　街のどこの家も鍵をかける習慣がなく　朝起きると知らない人がソファーで寝てるなんて　あまり驚くことではなかったらしい。酔っ払って　車運転できないから　ちょっと寝かせてねー　とか　トイレ行きたかった。とか　そんなんで　知らない人のうちに侵入するのがオッケーな国民性。

ここの土地、人の持つ、人と人との深いつながりからくる安心感、このレベルのこういったものを　体感したことは今までにない。

また来たいわぁ。



A week in Iceland

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I am here for a week now. Staying center of Reykjavik. What I notice so far is this town is very quiet. Iceland is quiet. It should be still high season, but I feel like this town is empty because of the quietness. My stay is truly middle of Reykjavik, 5 min to all restaurants, cafes, shops and bars. But I feel I am in forest. What I hear is sound of airplane and steam from heater, and sometimes foot steps from upstair. 


Definitely no sound pollution in here. I don’t hear loud music from car, or even no siren from ambulance. Yes, I hear people, and see people when I walk around town, but volume of sounds they make is probably less than half of normal American. Tourist voices stand up, looks like they giving speech to someone. Music in restaurant and cafe is minimum, as well as yoga studio. One teacher was using microphone because her voice is too small. Most of yoga teacher choose Icelandic music(I think that is Icelandic) and it’s beautiful, sort of fragile, ephemeral and still dynamic.  Mostly no words. It reminds me the nature I saw while driving county side of Iceland. 


I thought about a movie I saw a while ago. It’s call “Bokeh”(it’s still on Netflix) . This is a story of a couple traveling to Iceland and one morning everybody in the Iceland, and world disappear. 


I don’t wanted to be alone this trip. So I was trying to make arrangement to be with people. I usually definitely no no to have roommates, but here in Reykjavik I supposed to have two roommates. A roommate left right after I arrived. He said he is going to visit his family. And other roommate dad passed away suddenly, so he has to go home as well. I don’t know him so much, but I was the first person to be with him after he heard this terrible news. It was very shocking and sad to see this sudden loss.



Life will change suddenly, and what is visible in eyes will change rapidly too. Bokeh means unfocused point in photograph. Loneliness will appear when my focus point matched to it. People will disappear when I not see them. 


Today the sun comes out after long period of cloudy, rainy days.

I hear more noises of the town

Queens

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I was in Queens, NY for 3 weeks last October. Queens is such an interesting area. New York such a diverse place. Even though I am in NY, some banks and stores only speak Spanish. I thought I was back in Spain or traveling to Mexico. Eighty percent of the people on the subway platform is Asian. Just a 5 min subway ride away from the center of Manhattan, you can find different countries and cultures.

My first apartment when I moved to NY in 1998 was in Astoria. I stayed in Queens for a year and moved to Manhattan. New Yorkers don’t travel much inside NYC. For example, if you live in LES, you have everything nearby. New restaurants and shops open up all the time. It’s never really boring so you don’t really get the desire to go far away, like Queens. While I was a New Yorker, I probably visited Queens about 5 times between 2003 to 2013. But this time, my stay was in Queens, and I was surprised how convenient it is to get to Manhattan. It was a much slower pace and felt more space between people just like east Williamsburg where I lived just before I moved out of NYC. East Williamsburg is a hasidic jew area. Queens where I stayed last October was a Spanish area. Oh my gosh, NY!!! I am really impressed by the diversity of New York City.

I started my life in America from NYC, so I never really understood how much New York City is special. Big cities are usually diverse, but I never really see that much diversity in other cities and countries. Because of so much different cultures, NYC is totally different than other places in America. I feel like it is similar to Honk Kong before it was returned to China. New York and Hong Kong have some similarities.

I felt some kind of freedom during my stay in Queens this time around. Freedom, strength, and independent. New York is like that. It is tough. Everybody who lives in NY needs to be tough. But also there are acceptance. The freedom to be themselves. Everybody can be there. It is everybody’s home. I miss that part of New York City.

去年の１０月に３週間　ニューヨークのクイーンズに滞在していた。クイーンズはニューヨークに最初に引っ越した時　一年住んだエリアだったけど　その後　マンハッタンに住み始めてから　１０年間のうちに５回くらいしか訪れなかった気がする。今回泊まってみて　なんだか感動することが多かった。泊まってたところは　マンハッタンまで１５分くらい、本当に便利で　それでいて街がスローなペースで落ち着きやすく　人と人との間もマンハッタンよりスペースを感じられて　ちょっと郊外に出た感覚にすらなった。けれど　マンハッタンはすぐそこ、見ればビルが見える距離。そして人種のるつぼ。これこそニューヨークなのかなぁ、と思ったり、というか違う国に来た感じすらする。バンクに行ったらスペイン語で話しかけられるし　サブウェイの中は８０％がアジア人だったり。　ニューヨークから引っ越す前に　最後に住んでいたのがイーストウィリアムズバーグで　そことかぶるところもあるなぁって思ったけど　そこはHasidic Jewの人たちのエリアで　また全く違う文化があった。ニューヨーク！！！！ここがいいなぁって本当に思う。本当に全く違う文化の人たちが　自分たちの生活を作っている。

最初に日本からニューヨークに引っ越し、ニューヨークしか知らなかったものだから　その特別さに出るまで気がつかなかった。アメリカの他の街を旅したけど　ニューヨークはアメリカではない、ここまでのミックスカルチャーな都市は他の国でも　まだ見たことがない。イスラエルはもしかしたらこんな感じなのかもしれないなぁと思うけど　ここまではミックスではないだろうよなぁって思う。

今回　久しぶりにクイーンズに泊まってみて　なんだか違う形の自由を感じた。自由、強さ　孤立、というかインディペンデント。ニューヨークに住むにはタフでならなければいけない、本当に大変だと思う。けれど　そこには受け入れがあって　どんな人でも、どんな文化でも受け入れられる。自分が自分でいられる場所。どんな文化の人でも　家、故郷になれる場所。そういったニューヨークが恋しいなぁと思う今日この頃。